Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings, Chapter 5: Teaching Conflict Resolution

This is the latest installment in the Round Table that Natural Parents Network is doing for Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings by Dr. Laura Markham. Head on over for other reflections and reviews!


This is our Get Along Cart... ;-) 
So she opens this talking about those horrible Get-Along shirts and calls them what they are: at best another punishment, at worst they're encouraging sneakiness (we'll hide the behavior rather than change it) and bullying (the larger kids pushes around the smaller kid.)

"[Using the shirt] is like saying 'They'll put themselves to be if they get tired enough...I'm going to bed.' It's reneging on our responsibility as parents." - p95

Parenting is work. The goal is to front-load as much as possible so that you can step back sooner rather than later. Form good habits early means less stress and more fun later. Similarly to how you put all of your electives off until your senior year so you can spend that year not worrying about your GPA. It's important for parents to intervene, rather than waiting for things to blow up and resolve themselves, but it's equally important that the parent (or caregiver) act as an arbiter and not take sides or try to resolve the issue for the children.

"It's not parental intervention that's the problem. It's taking sides. The trick is regulating our own emotions so that we can stay calm, empathize with both children, and resist our impulse to decide who's right. That creates the foundation for children to learn how to work things out with each other without hurt or resentment." -p.99


On the next page, so lists 10 reasons children bicker and follows with tips for aiding resolution and situational examples.  The reasons are what you would expect - everything from temporary annoyances to deep-seeded resentments and imbalances.

The tips:

"*Stay calm, connect with both kids, and empathize.
* Describe the problem without judgment.
*Interpret by coaching each child to express their feelings without attacking the other.
*Restate the rules.
*Coach kids to problem solve." - p.101

 She covers teasing, aggression, intervention, and how to repair the relationship after a fight - rather than forcing an apology.

"Focus on helping children communicate rather than on the ritual of apology. IF you follow the practices of helping children express their wants and needs, listen to each other, and restate what they hear their sibling say, children will begin to heal their conflicts at a deeper level, so that apologies often become superfluous, just as with adults." - p. 143-144

When in doubt: instigate manual labor.
In this case - chalkboard paint on old cookie sheets
 which will be used as chore charts. 
I don't really have any examples, except to say that I DO make the kids apologize for the same reason that I make them say "thank you" - it's a cultural ritual we have that acknowledges the other person. In the case of "I'm sorry" - it acknowledges that what you did caused harm, whether intentional or not. In the case of "Thank you" - it acknowledges a kind act from another person. We have conversation around both, so that it's not just a thoughtless reaction and is instead full of meaning. Be actually grateful, and be actually sorry. I don't make them hug-it-out, either. I'm not a big hugger, so why should they be? The entire point of this whole exercise is teaching empathy and respect. The end.


Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings - Chapters 3 and 4

This is the next installment of the Natural Parents Network Round Table discussion. (Follow the links - there's good reading there!)

Apparently I vastly over-estimated how much writing time I'd have on vacation. I did manage to get a bit of reading and note-taking accomplished, but it means this is 2-2-two posts in one! (Wasn't that from a commercial?)


My sister and I at Southfork Ranch...sometime in the 80s.
So Chapter 3 - What Causes Sibling Rivalry and How Parents Can Make it Better starts with a focus on sibling spacing. I'm going to just chat about this because it's THE question from parents who know they wants more than one but have no idea what the "ideal" spacing is.

In my experience, this is 2.5 years. Or as close as possible. In my cousin's experience (I assume, I didn't actually ask her flat out, but based on her spacing with her sister and the spacing of their children...) it's about 5 -6 years.

But more than that - it's important to take care of yourself so that you can take care of them.

"Your job - and it's a big one - is to take care of yourself, so you can meet the needs of [your] children...that's what allows you to develop a positive relationship with each child. And that's the foundation that supports your children to develop a happy relationship with each other, regardless of their spacing." -p.59
Reassuring your children that each of them has equal space in your heart - and that your heart just grows and grows rather than splitting and splitting - does more good than almost anything else.
"Research shows that if you have a positive relationship with each of your children, they're much more likely to have a positive relationship with each other." - p.61
Regarding that: what my cousins, my sister, and I all have in common: strong, positive individual relationships with our parents. My mom and my sister hold twin spots as my best friends. My best friend's  brother is 13 years younger than her, and they have a strong relationship with each other and their parents.

So plan some dates, each parent with each child - one on one - where you do something you both enjoy and bond over shared experiences. (I read somewhere, not sure where, that it's easier to have "bonding" conversations with boys if they're physically occupied - like if you're working on a car together or pitching a tent or something. Getting their muscles going helps get their mouth going. So keep that in mind when making your plans.)

For more Chapter Three goodness, follow this link and then follow those links!

Just a little sibling picture of my recent graduates.
Moving in to Chapter 4 (please note that I am skipping over SO MUCH good information and you should definitely read this all for yourself) I want to skip straight to the end and talk about Tattling.

Chapter 4 is entitled "Coaching Kids to Communicate and Problem-Solve" and, again, I am skipping over so much good information that you really should read.

Dr. Markham's opinion on tattling, once you get past their desire to make themselves look good by getting their sibling in trouble, is that it is a child coming to you for your help navigating a situation they don't know how to deal with on their own. As parents, this is what we want. So that instead of reacting (often poorly) they can reflect and act appropriately.

"So when your child comes to you 'tattling' about how her siblings acted toward her:
1. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that your child is trying to make things better the only way she knows how.
2. Restate the situation to be sure you understand...
3. If the "offense" was against the child who has come to you, empathize, then support her to look for solutions...
4. Ask her if she wants you to do something about the situation, or if she just needed to talk about it...
5. If your child comes to you about her siblings when she's not involved in the situation, empathize, say thank you if that's appropriate, and take action...." -pp91-92

Markham wraps the chapter with a focus on safety versus basic rule-breaking-- the given example is of a child reporting that her sibling is climbing out the window, and one in which the sibling is playing video games - and how to handle each.

Basically:
"Empathize with your child's concern and assure him that you'll handle it...if it's happening in real time, take action...then talk to the rule breaker in private, just as your always would when a child breaks the rules." - p92

Obviously, this puts a rosy picture on things, because what happens in the aftermath when the rule-breaker discovers that his sibling is a turncoat? Luckily, Chapter 5 addresses conflict resolution.

See you then!
Wrapping up with another picture of my sister and I, at my First Communion.
(Also, note my very trendy-before-its-time flower crown.) 


Monday, July 6, 2015

Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: Chapter Two

This is the next installment of the Natural Parents Network Round Table discussion. (Follow the links - there's good reading there!) 

Chapter Two is entitled How Peaceful Discipline Supports the Sibling Relationship and I can't argue with it.

(Ok, she does propose a move from saying that we're "disciplining" our children to "coaching" them...but to me that's up there with calling a lovey a "transitional object"....but whatever. Potato Potahto. I recognize that most people conflate discipline and punishment in their head - just like some people think a "natural consequence" is a spanking. People be wrong.) 

Anyway - on to what I DO like about this chapter: the emphasis on empathy. This world lacks a lot of empathy. A LOT. Turn on the news and you'll see someone responding to some situation with a complete lack of understanding of what's happening to the party on the other side. Of course, it's hard to be sanctimonious and drive a 24 hours news cycle when you can honestly see both sides of the situation, or when you'll at least consider that the other side may have a valid point. 

So teaching your child that hitting hurts and hurting people is bad and therefore we shouldn't hit is a huge step towards a level headed adult. One who refrains from hitting because he loves his brother and doesn't want to hit his brother rather than one who refrains purely out of fear of being caught and punished. 

I really like this little bit: 

"The way you discipline your child becomes her model for working out interpersonal problems." - pp 18
She follows with a list of examples to back this up - everything from the aforementioned "Punishing focuses kids on avoiding more punishment, which is not the same thing as caring about others."...to "kids raised with punishment learn to use it against their sibling to increase their own standing and power" - little tattletales doing the Carlton Dance while their sibling gets a lecture and a punishment. Not cool, little dudes. Not cool. 

 

As for discipline vs punishment, in case you're one of the gazillion people who confuse the two:

"The word 'discipline' actually means 'to guide', from the same root as the word 'disciple.' Punishment is more about force than guiding: it's defined as causing another person emotional or physical pain to convince them to do things our way but in our culture...discipline as we it, and think about it, is a form of punishment." - p20

One more and then we'll talk about my favorite parenting phrase ever:

"The key to setting effective limits is empathy...Empathetic limits defuse resistance, because the child at least feels understood, even when she doesn't get to do what she wants."-p22

The example she uses is hitting...the darling example because hitting.is.wrong and it happens all.the.time. So she's talking about these siblings and then when the parent/caregiver intervenes, out comes "I won't let you." As in: "Hitting will hurt your brother. You love your brother and I won't let you hurt him. I won't let you hit. I know you're upset, but hitting is not the way to work it out."

The boys' preschool, their lovely, lovely preschool, emphasizes "safe hands" and that the school is a "safe place" and then has the child in question reflect on whether their behavior was making their friends feel safe...it's a good conversation opener and even my 2 (ohmygodalmostTHREE) year old gets the concept of feeling safe.

This is another book that embraces the more and more common notion that spanking is just wrong and damaging, but she is taking on new (to me, at least) information about Time Outs:

"We...have a good deal of evidence that time-outs don't work to prevent a recurrence of misbehavior, which raises the question of whether time-outs may even be causing the recurrences."  - pp25-27

(So I'm going to take a moment to note that the age of the siblings in question is Old Enough to Have Squirt Gun Fights...so keep that in mind while you're reading. Which you should do. Because I'm not going over the entire chapter here.)

Her approach, like many others I've heard who are anti Time-Out is a Time In (her example here is a pre-verbal child who is having a bad day and is expressing that frustration by throwing her cup across the room):

"So you summon up all your compassion and remind yourself that she's a little person whose behavior is a cry for help...You hug her, then take her to a specially designated spot that feels safe and cozy, and snuggle up. You connect warmly, which may be all she needs to pull herself together...Her sunny mood will return, and she'll be ready to help you clean up the spilled cup." - p42

The natural consequence is there already: make a mess, clean it up. We all know that cleaning up messes is a deterrent to making them, and if she knows that Mommy/Daddy/etc will be there to help her learn how to navigate the emotions that come with a crappy day, she'll be less inclined to fling the cup next time. (It doesn't mean she won't. It means she's learning that it's not the best way. And just like you don't freak out when your child says "m and o p" while they're learning the ABCs, you shouldn't freak out when your child snaps and throws a cup again. Because really, the only reason YOU don't throw shit when you snap is because you're a grown adult who has complete control over her impulses at all times. Unless you're me, then sometimes you do throw shit. It's cathartic. Our hypothetical fence will have a target drawn on it and a bucket of bean bags at the ready. I'm all about channeling impulses.)

The rest of the chapter is about Helping Children with Big Emotions - something  about which we all could do with a refresher course. I highly suggest you read it.

PS - sorry for the lack of photos here...my eldest has the viral plague and no one wants pictures of that...it has been a trying week for all of us and my empathy patience has been seriously tested. House Arrest leads to much, much whining. You know what helps it? Underwear dance party (also it roughly 8billion degrees and we have no a/c - so...)

Monday, June 22, 2015

Introduction: Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings


So this whole post is about one page: the Part One opening page. This quote really struck me:

"All siblings will do some fighting, no matter what their parents do. Conflict is a part of every human relationship, and you can't stop your children from having needs and desires that clash. What you can do is give them healthy tools to work through these disagreements, tools they'll use the rest of their lives." 

We all know I'm a big fan of having a fully-stocked Parenting Toolbox.


Like the Penalty Flags

And the Stop Sign.  They got this one from preschool - when someone is doing something you don't like, you hold up your hand in the universal "STOP" gesture. This is especially helpful for kids who have a speech delay. And you don't have to know ASL to get it. (The "stop sign" Walter is holding up is ASL for "yours" - the ASL sign for stop is more like a karate chop to your own open palm.)


And everything I learned from No Drama Discipline

And everything else this book is going to teach me. 


One final quote for my not-very-in-depth-first-post:

"When parents have better relationships with their children, those children have better relationships with each other. When parents have negative or punitive relationships with each child, the children behave more aggressively and selfishly with each other."

So the place to start is with yourself...be a better parent, have better children. (Does anyone else have Man in the Mirror in their heads...? No? You do now. You're welcome.) 

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Another Read Along is Coming!

I keep agreeing to these read alongs with the Natural Parents Network in the hopes that a) I'll learn something useful that I can pass along to you and b) I'll blog more. Because I enjoy blogging.

One out of two isn't bad, right?

Anyway, next week (or later this week) we're going to start talking about Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings, by Dr. Laura Markham.

Pick up a copy and read along!

And just for funsies: a gratuitous picture of the boys!


Monday, May 11, 2015

No-Drama Discipline Conclusion: On Magic Words, Being Human, Reconnection, and Change: 4 Messages of Hope



Here it is, folks - the final post on the excellent book No-Drama Discipline, a book which every parent and/or caregiver should read. (In case you missed it, you can watch the book trailer here. It's worth it. Then read the book!) 

The conclusion is exactly what it should be - a round up and synopsis of all the Very Good Information covered throughout the book. The book I suggest you read.


They do a nice little list - 4 Messages of Hope - to send you off on your Drama-Free Disciplining way. I want to print it up and put it next to the French Food Rules we have hanging in the dining room (that's a good place to hang behavior reminders, right?)

1) There is no Magic Wand. Of course there's not. Just like there's no magic age, no magic phrase, and (sadly) no letters from Hogwarts...
2) Your Kids Benefit Even When You Mess Up.  I've always wanted to learn to ride horses...I've also always wished that we could see rough drafts when we're forced to learn how to write - based on the great writers - in school. Those are related because I decided at some point in my 20s that I would learn to ride *with* my children. So they can see that even adults don't know everything and even adults make mistake and it's important to get back on the horse and try again. That reminds me...I should find a local stable and look into that. Also I should write more.
3) You Can Always Reconnect. It's easier than it sounds. Sit on the floor - or get to their eye level - and be straight with them. You're human. You lost it. You flipped out. You know that you should use your words and be gentle the way you're trying to teach them to use their words and be gentle. We'll try hard tomorrow. "Tomorrow is a new day, with absolutely no mistakes in it, yet." (To misquote Anne Shirley.)
4) It's Never Too Late to Make a Positive Change. Darn skippy. It's never too late. (That's a good song, btw. The boys love it...sometimes.) 








This post is written as part of the Round Table Discussions with Natural Parent Network volunteers. In an effort to discuss, support, and promote a kinder, more gentle world, we are taking an in depth view of various books. Our current book is No Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph. D, authors of the book The Whole Brain Child. We hope you will join us with an open mind and a desire for change and growth. This week at Natural Parents Network, our volunteers are discussing ReTHINKing Discipline from the book No Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph. D, authors of the book The Whole Brain ChildHop on over and read about what they have to say about the true goals of discipline and rethinking how we approach parenting with our children. Learn how to separate yourself from the situation and use some of the very same skills we want our children to use. Are you tired of the drama going on in your family? Are you looking for more peaceful solutions? Pick up a copy of No Drama Discipline and join us over the next few months as we talk about what is going on in your child's brain and how you can learn to connect with your child, help them to learn, and leave the drama behind.

Monday, April 27, 2015

R-E-D-I-R-E-C-T: No-Drama Discipline Ch. 6

Not gonna lie - this was my big take-away from this chapter was one of my favorite parenting gems of all time:

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself.

Ok, they didn't explicitly said that, Ice Cube did.

Source
What the authors did say:

"Keep Calm and Carry On...Not a bad mantra to have at the ready when your child goes ballistic - or before you do....How you respond to your child's behavior will greatly impact how the whole situation unfolds." p167-168

Because I have been quoting Ice Cube for the past mmphhhhh years...that's where my brain went.

For example: "Check yourself before you wreck yourself - because getting hit by a car is bad for your health!" (Not lying - why do you think my kids stop at curbs? I'm not a fairy...I'm *scary*)

Most often, though, I just drawl out: "Y'all best check yourselves before you wreck yourselves." Something about the Stern Southern seems to do the trick.

They do give some handy strategies for helping you R*E*D*I*R*E*C*T after you've all checked yourselves - of course they go *way* more in-depth than I'm going to, but here's the list for some reference:
Reduce words, Embrace Emotions, Describe - don't preach, Involve your child in the discipline, Reframe a no into a conditional yes, Emphasize the positive, Creatively approach the situation, and Teach Mindsight tools.


I really like the "Reduce words" part - it never works when you word-vomit all over your kids -- they just tune you out until you chill out. But if you just give them the meat of the problem, they can easily digest and respond.

Example of what not to do "You know why it's bad to hit your brother? It's bad because hands aren't for hitting they're for being nice, and art, and cooking, and also making things, and for petting animals...but only nice animals, can you imagine petting a mean animal? Imagine if you hit a mean animal. You're lucky your little brother isn't a Tiger, a tiger would only be hit once and then it would eat you up. Like in that song by Maurice Sendak that Carol King sang on that CD that I love that you only tolerate because you think it's for babies...."

Right? I tuned me out.

Better: "I won't let you hit your brother. It's not safe and it's not nice. Keep your hands to yourself and if you need help I will help you." The end. (FTR - I got the "I won't let you" gem from Janet Lansbury. I can't find the original phrase but basically she says it works because it's definitive and gives they child no room for argument. It places the parent in the role of parent and shaper of behavior. There's no need to yell or coerce - just a simple "I won't let you_____." and then put a period at the end.)

The rest of the advice in this chapter is well worth checking out. (Before you wreck out...? No? Ok.) As always, I highly suggest you do.

This is the only wreck I've got a photo of...

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